This is what happens when a man gathers all of his social interaction from pickup artist fantasy porn. Days are ruined, restraining orders are filed - all because Alfonso couldn't hold his erection until the next 7-11 bathroom.
Eight-minute crash course on how to abandon all knowledge of sexually transmitted diseases - as narrated by a guy who sounds like he crawled out of Dracula's asshole during Mardi Gras. It's valuable information really.
Ever seen a woman with the body of a college girl, and the face of customer service at Pep Boys, but still nutted a week's worth of hamburger helper into your favorite tube sock because you're trying new things? Me neither.
[tip: look in the second row for link] Kinda counterproductive to be hung like a zoo animal, yet never able to find a girl that can handle 50% of your moose leg. Perhaps it's that time to trade Tinder for farmersonly.com?
Listen. I've seen some pretty loathsome shit in my day: Tijuana donkey porn, suggestive photographs of Mickey Rourke, all the Fantastic Four films. But THIS? This shit made me gag like a Hindu trapped inside Arby's. #IQUIT
KBB rates her biscuit as MINT (minor scratches -- no defects), so alternate routes are sourced. And Much like a Kardashian after mistakenly eating a low-fat Dorito, you can literally see fear in her eyes once contact is made.
There's nothing more boner-hardening than uninhibited siblings... save for your dad walking in on you jacking off to Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. My point is: 90's movies are criminally underrated and it really needs to stop.
Nevermind the fact that he looks like he lost his virginity to a Hulk Hogan body pillow. I just wanna know why he went for The Baltimore Handshake when another $20 would have gotten him fast-lane access to clam city.
20+ years of pornographing and I've been duped. Ever see 'The Happening' with Mark Wahlberg? Me neither. But if someone ever made an M. Night Shyamalan porn twist ending version... it would probably look a bit like this.
I was spaghetti soft until the camera panned 12 inches south. Fucking hell, this chick is 1 injection of anesthesia away from experimental cornhole surgery & she's rippin one out like the lifeboats were deployed. I'm in love?
This is bad. More bad than the time I emptied $27 worth of Wendy's value meals into the plastic case of Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project for NES and slipped it in a Blockbuster drop-box. Wait no, that was priceless.
I've seen some pretty irreparable gashes in my day. But this? This is a bamboozling the likes of which you've never seen. Better call FEMA. or start charging the rates of a New York City parking garage. More of her HERE
Her hip-to-waist ratio is insane. But mother of fuckin' Iggy Pop... not even a Chinese plastic surgeon could Ctrl+Alt+Del the Stalone from that face. Impressive body tho.... I dub thee '#1 girl I'd be sodomized in the dark by
Kennedy Kressler. I like her. I really do. But the girl's got the skin tone of a corpse and is built like a toothpick. This is essentially 1 cunt hair hair away from being stage-3 HIV porn. Guilty boner is guilty. More HERE + HERE
This is Carolina Sweets. She's a gAmErGuRl. AKA "porn streamer without the porn". Or as I prefer: "cute face and bitchy attitude without body odor reminiscent of Regal popcorn butter". POGGERS IN CHAT ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ
Pay close attention, and you'll notice these are paid pornstars blending in with real university students. HINT: 2 seconds of labia flashing sending Carlos Garcia and Co. off the fucking deep end kinda gives it away.
LIFE LESSON #237: If someone uses the word negotiable in their Craigslist ad - move the fuck on to the next one or prepare to doomsday prep on Valtrex & Clorox bleach. Discounts are temporary. War-torn genitals arent.